It started with a boy (doesn’t it always). I fell madly in love with him. Passionate. Intense. Genuine. Of course, love makes you blind and therefore the red flags that used to pop up didn’t seem so colossal at the time – his condescending nature, his inconsistent behavior, his inability to compromise. But of course, I was in love, especially after the honest, truthful confessions I had longed to hear. A majority of the time, things happen accidentally. You make mistakes. However, two very rational, practical and scientific people don’t just “make mistakes”.
All, if not some minor details are meticulously thought out. Every move calculated, never doing things “on a whim”. But sometimes, emotions are so high and so true that you just want to prove it somehow, anyhow. Yes, on both parts. Which means, he did love me as much. Too. But that’s what I hold onto; the fleeting moments when I knew we were on the same wavelength and he chose to let himself be emotionally vulnerable. He actually has a heart.
Things happened the way they did and I completely, whole heartedly understand in all aspects why it happened that way. Despite all the built up insecurities, facades, inconsistencies, hardships, and obstacles, we had faith that it was worth it in the end. I’ve never invested so much effort to make something work so badly in my life. At the time, I knew. Or I thought I knew, that he was it.
Although this boy and the memories with him are now just a glimpse of my past, it taught me how to unconditionally let go (the bitterness, the hatred, the sense of betrayal). “I’m scared. I’m really nervous, and I don’t know why…” I asked my best friend two nights ago. “I don’t think you’re scared of embracing your emotions,” she responded. “I think you’re scared because you know that you are ready to invest again”. I am. And it feels great.
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