Going in Blind... Sorta

After three hours of waiting at the DMV with no luck at getting a license, I decided to give this guy a chance. His name was Nick. He was white, athletic, 25 years old and attractive in the pictures I had seen of him. This was the first date I’ve actually been on since starting this whole dating process. I was so nervous, armpit sweaty nervous. I had just gotten out of my MCAT class ready to meet him at a really chill tea place in Hollywood. I was late, he was late. But based on his resounding voice on the phone when he called me to ask where I was, I knew this was going to be really fun. I got super excited.  

We talked and talked and talked for three hours. About everything, anything really. He was more handsome in person than I had recalled. There was definitely a mix of Adam Levine with Freddy Prince Junior. He was a financial analyst for Warner Bros. I remember constantly thinking how attractive he was, how overly bubbly I was since I was super nervous. I don’t know why but I was like a little school girl who had a little crush. It was pretty obvious. Somehow, it had started sprinkling outside and we decided to go for a walk nonetheless. We walked through some neighborhoods, went back and went to my car so I could drop him off to his. He stayed in my car for a little bit, didn’t really seem like he wanted to leave… so we stayed. And again we chatted. This guy was ridiculously attractive and the night kept going on superbly.  

Eventually, I decided to opt out and leave since it was getting late. So after awkwardly saying our goodbyes and trying to shy away from kissing each other, I drove away really giddy, super excited, and just glowing. It was one of the best first blind dates I’ve ever been on. I remember calling Shefalee at 1:30am smiling from cheek to cheek ready to tell her the events of what happened that night. 

Thank you Nick… for showing me that first blind dates aren’t so bad after all. They could actually be pretty splendid!

About A Boy

It started with a boy (doesn’t it always). I fell madly in love with him. Passionate. Intense. Genuine. Of course, love makes you blind and therefore the red flags that used to pop up didn’t seem so colossal at the time – his condescending nature, his inconsistent behavior, his inability to compromise. But of course, I was in love, especially after the honest, truthful confessions I had longed to hear. A majority of the time, things happen accidentally. You make mistakes. However, two very rational, practical and scientific people don’t just “make mistakes”.

All, if not some minor details are meticulously thought out. Every move calculated, never doing things “on a whim”. But sometimes, emotions are so high and so true that you just want to prove it somehow, anyhow. Yes, on both parts. Which means, he did love me as much. Too.  But that’s what I hold onto; the fleeting moments when I knew we were on the same wavelength and he chose to let himself be emotionally vulnerable.  He actually has a heart.

Things happened the way they did and I completely, whole heartedly understand in all aspects why it happened that way. Despite all the built up insecurities, facades, inconsistencies, hardships, and obstacles, we had faith that it was worth it in the end.  I’ve never invested so much effort to make something work so badly in my life. At the time, I knew. Or I thought I knew, that he was it.

Although this boy and the memories with him are now just a glimpse of my past, it taught me how to unconditionally let go (the bitterness, the hatred, the sense of betrayal). “I’m scared. I’m really nervous, and I don’t know why…” I asked my best friend two nights ago. “I don’t think you’re scared of embracing your emotions,” she responded. “I think you’re scared because you know that you are ready to invest again”. I am. And it feels great.

UCLA vs USC Football

Tailgate at 8:30am, Rain, and Victorious

Bucket List #57: Attend a college Football Game
Location: Rose Bowl | Pasadena, CA

Disney Half

Running tests endurance, discipline, mental strength. I hated running and therefore felt I lacked in those three components. Of course, the feeling of inadequacy always gives me the extra boost to overcome it. So what did i do? I straight up signed up for a half marathon with no training or running experience (except freshman year in high school for P.E.). After weeks of mental preparation and physical training, I got my bib and was deathly afraid. Just weeks prior i couldn't run 2 miles and somehow on race day, I managed to pull off 13.2 miles. my first ever half marathon. i did it!!!

 

Bucket List #21: run a marathon

Cliff Diving

I overcame my fear of heights once. I realized after that it wasn't heights that scared me, but the fear of falling. As i stood on this gigantic cliff 55 feet above the water with no parachute nor harness to save me, I mustered up twice the courage and took a leap. 

          

Bucket List #64: cliff diving
Location: Hermit Falls | Arcadia, CA

Beach Date with the Boys

My baby's 1st night out in the town -- Santa Monica Pier. i always thought i'd be sharing the responsibilities of a dog with a significant other. thankfully, i was blessed to have such a well behaved little munchkin and wouldn't have it any other way. such an adventure training and seeing him grow. 

Bucket List #29: Have a dog

UCLA Graduation

My biggest and proudest achievement so far. Graduating from my dream school: UNIVERSITY of CALIFORNIA, LOS ANGELES. BRUIN for life! This degree is dedicated to my family, specifically my parents. Without their unconditional love and support, I would not be the person that I am today. I love them so incredibly much!

  

UCLA Undie Run

On midnight, every finals week UCLA has a special ritual called the Midnight Yell. It usually lasts around 30 seconds or a minute where everyone screams at the top of their lungs at the stroke of midnight to release any tension/stress caused by dreaded finals. Aside from this special ritual, there is a tradition every Wednesday of finals week called Undie Run (a big gathering of sorts where the Bruins run around campus in their underwear). I decided to be participate in such a crazy and big event on my very last quarter at UCLA. With the added help of patron and whiskey, I was able to face my insecurities and have the time of my life. So happy I did this. Wouldn't have been a real college experience without participating in the ridiculousness of it all. 

 
 

Bucket List: #114: Participate in UCLA's Undie Run

Location: UCLA | Westwood, CA

My First Boyf.

DATED MARCH 5, 2009

to the first boy that has captured my heart, batholome jessethius amadius de guadalupe III johnson vern batucan dayondon, my first love,

since i was younger, i have prided myself to be a really good person and aimed for almost perfection. the past two years have made me realize that i am nothing more than an average, teenage girl; learning from new experiences and making many mistakes. i found out that i am more impatient, rude, illogical, emotional, and immature than i could have ever imagined (especially to the one boy i really care most about). regardless of our bad and some-willing-to-forget moments, I, too, have had the best and most wonderful two years of my life. and for that, i thank you (for standing by me through thick and thin, for withstanding the consecutive punches i threw at you, and for loving me wholeheartedly).you have taught me more than any teacher or friend about living life and taking risks (i do listen more than you think). 

please forgive me for all of the heartaches that i have caused you the past two years. the truth of the matter is, you have mastered being the boyfriend and i felt like i couldn’t be "your perfect girlfriend". the thing is, you were right about many things. i put all the situations on myself… most fights (dara’s house, valentines day, the incident) … and my inability to be understanding and compassionate to your feelings hindered our relationship. i couldn’t take it anymore; for your and my sake. there is soooooo much more for me to still learn. please know that you have been amazing, loving, and caring. any girl is lucky to have you but, of course, i only want you to have the best (one that will treat you the way that you deserve).
thank you for being my first everything.

i couldn’t have asked for anyone to share this experience with but you. i do not regret anything that we have done. thank you for holding my hand through this whole experience, i will cherish everything we had forever and forever. i promise. but as for right now, i will have to learn to stand by myself again.

with true love, 
the girl who will always have a piece of you in her heart,
boots

FAST FORWARD 3 YEARS LATER:

him: you know how we talked about how we dated each other at the wrong time... well if we switch that to present timeline, hypothetically speaking, i don't think i'd have a chance with you.
i'd like to think that you're this super nerd and in a group of nerds you're the hottest, so all the nerds love you but you don't like any of them. but you have this newfound confidence that you never had before. it's kinda sexy... & intimidating
me: i still am the same girl but adding a little bit more sass in me
him: danng, so i dated the boring you. haha, but i really enjoyed it so i think that makes me boring. :P

When it ended, I was naive to tell him that I wanted to be friends with him still. He, being more experienced than I, mentioned how it never works out that way. 3 years later, more grown up and mature, I am happy to have proven him wrong; being more open to talk about the past. Despite our individual growth and changes, the one thing that's remained the same is the level of respect & support for each other. I have nothing but great things to say about him. He always and still makes me laugh and was always so very good to me. Even with the necessary silent treatment and time apart, I know that I'm able to go to him if I ever needed anything. The girl he ends up choosing to be with will be extremely lucky. 

I'm at such peace knowing that he and I are mutually civil with each other. Personally, I think we dated at the perfect time because I couldn't have asked for a more wonderful person to enjoy all my firsts and that part of my life with. 

Full Moon, Flash Lights and a Bat Cave - Day 5

It was our 4th day in Managua. After a full day of visiting an orphanage, zip lining, and eating more fried plantains, our bus finally stopped at the highest point of all the country, Peak Mogoton. The volcano underneath us was still active and we kept climbing to watch the sun set in the horizon. The sight was a beauty. To make things even more appropriate, we ended up performing the infamous 8-clap. The sights, the view... everything was absolutely stunning. Nature. Peace. 

We headed down the volcano before it got dark. By the time we got to our bus, the stars filled the night sky. It was a lot different here in Nicaragua. No city lights, no pollution, no congested buildings, no traffic. Barren mountains, the night sky and the animals roaming around at night. With yellow helmets and a flashlight, we split up into groups of two and headed into the side of the mountain. Climbing down the steep rocks we reached a small opening into a cave. We were asked to be as quiet as possible. As we got closer to the opening, we heard fluttering noises coming from the inside. BATS. 

I had volunteered to lead the pack in the front. I sat close to the opening of the cave with my bare legs stretched out peaking in. We all huddled really close together and turned off all of our lights. Still as a statue. Dark. Mysterious. At an instant, the tour guide turned on its flash light and directed it into the cave. As the light beamed into the cave, the bats screeched right in front of my face and flew away from the direction of the light. At that moment, we all jumped in surprise. There wasn't just one bat. There were hundreds. The opening led to a big cave where they were actively preying. After a couple of light switches, we got up and entered the bigger cave. It was one of the coolest things I've ever seen and was such a remarkable adventure to go on with all of my friends. 

Bucket List #241: Explore a Bat Cave

Location: Nicaragua

Dirt Roads, Fried Plantains, & Reggaeton - Day 1

Words can't even begin to express my experiences in latin america. this post/journal entries are long overdue but necessary in order to preserve my freshest recollections of my trip.

1130am hit and i knew it was finally over... 5 gruesome finals, 2 lab reports, and 1 presentation within a span of a week. it was an intense 10 weeks of the quarter but i was done. i got home, sleep deprived and exhausted, laid on my bed and closed my eyes. i had been so consumed with studying and tests that i had not prepared nor packed for my 8 hour plane flight yet. however, excitement began to flood my system as i began to realize that within 12 hours, i would be on a plane flying to a country i had little knowledge of. but with a spanish-english dictionary in my bag and my stethoscope in the other, i zipped up my overstuffed navy blue luggage half filled with medications, stickers, candy, and coloring books. at 1030pm, we picked up nina and onward we went. 

we arrived at managua, the capitol, at around 1145am and was quickly confronted with the language barrier at the airport. luckily, we were able to find our gmt organizers there quickly alongside other trippers who were on similar flights. juan carlos (our trip doctor), dennia (the coordinator/translator), and karen (coordinator/dentist) were the ones to greet us and later on, continue to build relationships with them. using a shuttle, they took us to our first hotel within the city to wait for the other trippers to arrive. here, i meet edgard, another translator on the trip. nina and i decide to put our luggages in our hotel room and we all head towards the mall right across the street from us to have lunch. nina and i, alongside reece and rayad, share our first nicaraguan meal, consisting of fried plantains, rice, beans, and chicken. we then decide to grab some gelato since the weather was in the low 90's. since i've always been shy about speaking spanish, i've never felt so out of place before and uncomfortable. it was difficult to order food relying on edgard to order it for me and people kept staring, realizing that there were LOTS of foreigners surrounding them. i faced the harsh reality that i had to overcome my slight fear of speaking spanish the next couple of days. after lunch, nina and i decided to go back to the hotel and tan poolside while reading a book. we were so exhausted and decided to nap until dinner time. 

Hotel Express had the best accommodations since there was air conditioning, a pool, small gym, and internet access. once everyone arrived, we all headed back to the mall to have dinner; again trying the nicaraguan food and this time trying eskimo, a popular ice cream brand. we all headed towards the local grocery story where a majority of the trippers decided to buy Flor de Cana, a very popular Nicaraguan beverage. we headed home and took shots with a couple of people in the room and then all headed out to the pool to get to know everyone. despite having to wake up at 8am, we all stayed up pretty late that night -- Will and I took a dip in the pool at midnight. it was such a great way to enjoy everybody's company and just relax before we had to work. 

Breaking Molds

well i'm not trying to break a mold i'm just being me. And i thought you were really fun and really beautiful & it turns out quite the smarty pants too. That's a pretty lethal combo. So i'm not trying to change the world's mind. just yours.

I was not going to be fooled to be gullible & naive. Therefore I did not believe him when he first said this to me. 

It has been a long time since i've thoroughly enjoyed a guy's company. You constantly make me laugh until my stomach and cheeks begin to hurt. You give me my space when I need it. You appreciate my hectic lifestyle and you always attempt to visit me even at random hours of the week just to remind me that you're still here. You understand that there are certain things I'm not ready for & respect that. You explore the city with me. Introduce me to your cool friends off the bat. You are eager to cook dinner for me. You want to accompany me to bars and social scenes; have a little fun together. You wear your heart on your sleeve. You're a hopeless romantic and you're not afraid to put yourself out there. You're not afraid to let me know how you feel. You are a go getter. You're honest with me and tell me what your intentions are. But most importantly, I trust you & you keep your promises. 

Had it not been for his persistence I wouldn't have realized how guarded i've let myself be my whole life. Thank you for genuinely helping me reignite my faith in great guys. Finally, a man of his word and action. I great respect for him. He's inspired me for the better & I'm one lucky girl to have opened up to get to know him. bad timing sucks & not being able to give him what he wants despite being so great. But i've got to be honest and continue on focusing on myself.

Thank you for raising my standards and reminding me of how a woman deserves to be treated & how she should always feel.

Two Wheel Adventure

"are you ready?" he asks me as he's fitting my helmet on my head. "yes!" i jumped, smiling cheek to cheek, excited to try something new and adventurous. as i wiggled my fingers into the small black, leather gloves i couldn't help but feel a little tense. but despite all nervousness, there was no way i was going to pass this opportunity up. and with that mindset, i carefully climbed on the back of his motorcycle and held on tight ready to enjoy the ride.

just 36 hours ago i had envisioned myself in las vegas in a suite at the cosmopolitan, recovering from what potentially could've been an epic night of dancing to the beats of benny benassi. on the contrary, i found myself in berkeley, california on a very warm sunday afternoon in the back of a friend's motorcycle. the weekend had already been full of spontaneity that i didn't believe that there was room for surprises left. i was clearly mistaken.

we pulled out of the driveway and started the long road into the city. my heart was racing and my hands were tense clutching on to the bike for dear life. we passed the first bridge as i gaze over to the bay with the sun pounding down on us. too nervous to enjoy the scenery, i kept glancing at the cars in front of me reaffirming that both of our safety was in good hands. he caresses my leg to ease my nerves but it doesn't immediately go away. we soon pass a road full of grassy hills, trees, animals, and forests; nothing like city life at all. the view was so beautiful that i stopped questioning where he was taking me and eventually reached our first destination. half moon bay. 

i was worried that the san francisco gloom would ruin my weekend. however, just for that day, the sky had cleared and the sun was shining as bright as it could be. he signals for me to get off the bike and i take my helmet off and can only admire the beautiful sight that lay in store for me. he and i walk next to the water as we head towards a bunch of big flat rocks towards the bigger waves. he climbs and hikes to find the perfect rock for us to lay on. sand, the ocean waves, and the sun. as we were watching people surf, i lay my head on his chest and close my eyes, listening to the pounding of his heart and the waves crashing on the rocks. the setting and environment was too romantic, way too good to be true. 

after a couple of hours we head home... but this time we go up to the mountains around the city. as we're ascending up the hills, i see the ocean beneath me and the sun setting on the horizon. with ease, i find myself holding on to him this time instead of the bike... his one hand caressing mine from time to time to calm my nerves. 

as we're drifting away from the coast of the beach into the city, he starts going faster and faster to try to get me home before the colder breeze sets in. he notices how cold my hands were underneath my gloves and places both of my hands in his jacket pockets.  we leave the sun set behind me and enter the dark night watching the lights of the city fill the sky ahead, this transition magnificently timed as we're on bay bridge. 

despite the cold breeze engulfing my body, i huddle closer to him for warmth and am in awww at the spectacular view. at that very moment, i thought about how happy i was, not only to be unexpectedly able to cross this off my bucket list but perfectly content where i'm at in my life. despite not knowing how the weekend panned out, i had a strong feeling that this was exactly where i needed to be. my heart felt lighter and open to new warmth, faith, and love. i've never felt stronger, wiser, and happier being alone.

the road back was quicker than expected, i'm freezing by the time we get back to the apartment. we change into something more comfortable, i wrap the thick blanket he gave me and lay on the couch while he makes both of us tea. no one was home at this point except for us... he's sitting on the recliner and i'm sitting on the couch as if it was just another day. unexpectedly, those couple of hours brought me an immense appreciation for nature, adventure and spontaneity. little did he know, it was one of the best valentines dates i've been on in such a long time & it meant the world to me. for that, i thank you.

Bucket List #85: Ride A Motorcycle

Deviate & Embrace

“I realize that you grew up in an environment where if you weren’t the best, the sweetest, the quitesential good girl then you wouldn’t find worth. So i can understand why these things define you. you were mature because you had no other choice. you weren’t really living your own life. you were playing a role that you conditioned to play by your upbringing. it was you but it wasn’t rigid.. too perfect. 

So yes, I know “young you” probably thought she had it all figured out and maybe even convinced herself so. But you can’t gain wisdom like that.. you have to earn it. Exploring every option, every facet of your personality before deciding what is truly you. 

obviously there are people you care about that you don’t want to disappoint. I understand. in the end, everyone is allowed the prerogative to control what choices they make as long as they take the responsibility for whatever ensues. So just stop, trying to keep yourself in this perfect box. wander. explore. deviate. it’s only then that you can form yourself; free from the preconstructed notions of others’ projections onto you, of who they wish you were/would like you to be.

you’re my best friend. i love you not because you’re perfect, nor because you are a good girl at heart, but because you’re YOU… constantly striving to be better than your best (& that’s something that hasn’t changed since we were younger).”

oh, my heart <3

thanks to the most insightful woman i know, she challenges me to embrace it. it’s difficult for me to accept parts of who i’ve become in fear of realizing what i’m not anymore.  she re-iterated how important it is to think about myself and follow my happiness. after all, i would not have achieved so many things this new year had i not.  she still knows my inner self better than anyone i know. super blessed for my best friend. 

despite being back to reality & keeping grounded, i still feel like i’m on cloud 9. :)